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| Okay.
So I am officially sitting on my kitchen table, writing this entry, in my very own place =].
We moved in officially Saturday. Since then I have absolutely
loved it here. It's so cozy, and I love Jessica as my
roommate. I got very lucky in finding her!
So much has happened in so little time, though. Me and Levi
really are done forever I think. I haven't talked to him since
Saturday morning, in which he hung up on me twice. But to be
honest I have a crush. =/. Which sounds so middle school but I haven't
had butterflies like this in a long time. I'm not going to go
into great detail yet, because I don't know where it's going, but his
name is Cory. We have been spending quite a bit of time together,
and sometimes it seems like we are almost dating. I don't know,
he broke his leg in two places in the Brevard football game two weeks
ago, so I have to drive him around and take care of him and
stuff. Bless his heart lol. I don't know what's going to
happen with me and him, if we become more than friends or just stay
really close. Either is fine with me, I'm in no rush to be in a
relationship.
Well, Shannon is coming over to help me write a paper. And to see my new place. =]
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| this is on my heart.
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man(woman) I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way
I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me
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| Wow. I honestly don't know where to begin.
I guess good news first. I found a room mate!
Jessica. We were pretty close throughout high school, but over
the summer I didn't see her much and I was just surfing myspace the
other day and I saw that she was looking for a place to move out
to. I was like ommmmg. So we talked and talked about it and
our parents talked and she is officially moving in with me. Our
official move in date is Sept. 1st, which is a week from
tomorrow. The landlord is leaving tuesday though so I am going to
start taking stuff over there then. I still have alot to do in my
room I'm not very sure how or when Im going to get to it.
Argh.
I start my new job Tuesday, officially. I am super nervous about
it. I am going to be following another CNA around all day though
pretty much, so that helps. I had to buy a few pairs of scrubs,
and some shoes and it is breaking me. I can't afford it on top of
the things I still need to get for my house. It's so
frustrating. I won't have a decent amount of money for a while...
till I get on my feet with my new job.
Everything else around me right now is stressing me out more than I can
even say. Things at home, and school, and the fact that I'm going
to be working my life away really makes me nervous. I have to
start physical therapy on my wrists soon, and tomorrow I find out the
junk about my cyst. And through all of this I am lonelier than I
have ever ever been. I have talked to Shannon a lot about it and
she has been helping me too, but still. I'm just stuck. I
want to move on from Levi and be perfectly amazing without him but the
truth is im not. Not yet. It's not helping that he is
calling me once or twice a day just to talk to me and every single time
he hangs up he still says I love you. He talks about coming over
and watching movies with me and stuff when I'm in my own place, and
helping me move in. Lord knows I want that more than anything but
I know once he is in my presence that will be completely different than
me turning him down over the phone. My whole body will go weak
around him. I won't be able to say no. I want him to just
be my friend through this and help me but I know once we are around
eachother I will fall in love all over again. I still love him,
but I don't want to get attatched again. He had me in tears the
other night because when I was talking to him I told him he was majorly
messing with my head and I didn't know what to do. I am the only
one changing in this relationship. Not him. He never will
really. And that's what sucks. That I'm not worth changing
for. (for the better). He loves me, but I'm not worth it.
Basically. It fucking hurts.
Meanwhile I'm going through this shit with him, and I could totally
have other options. I'm not saying that in a cocky way but it's
true. I am stressing and crying over a guy that is just never going to
love me like I love him, but I could have someone that would.
That has been playing with my head lately too. I've been getting
closer to one of my guy friends here lately, and he kissed me the other
night. I didn't expect it, and I didn't know what to think of it
after. Obviously the fact that my door is still wide open with
Levi, didn't help. It confused me more than anything. And
this guy is amazingly sweet, and everything a girl could want, but I'm
just not ready for it. Like i said like 20 entries ago, I need to
learn to stand on my own two feet first. And for a while that's
what I was doing. But not im stuck in between two people.
One that I love, and one that would love to love me. There really
is no comparison, and no competition. I can't be with
either. As much as I love Levi and want to be with him I really
can't do it to my self. But I guess we will see. I'm still
doing an okay job of not being sucked back into it. I'm not in
the hole again. I have the wheel this time.
All I need is time. Time to figure things out and be okay without
a boy. Especially when I'm on my own I feel like that's going to
be even harder. Because Ill want the male company and help.
Jessica's boyfriend is going to come and stay with her for a few days,
and that's going to kill me. Stuff like that. But I
probably don't even have enough time for a guy. That's the thing.
I think Levi assumes I'll be too busy for him most of the time and
right about the time I miss him he will miss me too, and we'll get
together for a night, and then for the next week I won't mean anything
to him again. That's not the way it works. I can't do that
to myself. So what I need right now is strength, to get through
all this and be strong. And to help me not push anymore people
out of my life that I care about. I don't want to hurt anyone,
just because I'm getting ripped apart. That's not fair.
Tomorrow I have class, and my first college exam. Pray for that.
I'm also going to go to the football game with my daddy, where I'm sure
I'll be seeing "the boy" running a touchdown. (Not Levi.)
Goodnight.
....and thank you Shannon for being so amazing!
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| So today we signed a lease. For my new house.
It's so crazy, and not real yet!! The landlord has to do some more work
on it, so I'll be moving in around labor day weekend, which is less
than two weeks away! I thought I was going to have a roommate... but
they bailed. So for now it's just me, and I'm going to be looking
for a roomie like crazy so the rent isn't so expensive on me.
Plus I have a huge extra room that I have no idea what to do
with.
Besides the new place, I have some more good news. The director
of Nursing for Mountain Trace Nursing Center called me yesterday, and
told me that I had the job. =] I was so happy. She is going to
call me on monday or tuesday and let me know when my orientation
is. I'm super stoked.
I don't really know what else to say. Which is weird for once my
entries are usually insanely long. But there is really nothng too
much more to my life. I did start my first day of college yesterday,
and I guess we will see how that goes. I already have a butt-load
of homework I need to finish. I am really excited about my
psychology class.. I think it's going to be really interesting and
fun. But yeah as far as boys go, still non-existant. And
it's going to stay that way. Me and Levi are keeping in touch and
talking every now and then, which makes things alot harder than I
thought because if we could talk the way we do now when we are actually
together, we would be perfect. But I'm staying strong. It's
just hard.
Well, I gotta keep packing. I can't believe I'm doing that! =] Things are looking up for me.
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| Today was my first official day of college... online.
My art appreciation class seems like it's going to be pretty
interesting. But my interpersonal communications class not so
much. I mean it's interesting, but it looks like the class is
going to be a bitch. I already have a friggin paper due on Sept.
7th... gay!
Tomorrow is my first day of real class. My whole two classes on
campus. My first class is at ten though so I'm not too worried,
and my other class is like 4 classrooms away. So it's not too
shabby haha. I also get a pretty decent lunch break in
between. So wish me luck for tomorrow.
The other day I received a phone call from Moutain Trace Nursing Center
which is a really really like nursing home thing in sylva. She
called me for an interview which I went to yesterday. It went
pretty well, the director of nursing was really really sweet and I
think she liked me. She told me she was going to do my background
check and call two of my references and she would call me back letting
me know when my drug test was and also my orientation. So that
makes me think I got the job pretty much... I hope so! The money
is really good, and I really need this. I also really liked the
place. The patients were so cute, and I really think I could get
used to it. Even though I would have to leave here at 5:45 in the
morning every work day, it would be worth it!
I also found myself a place to live. It's perfect. It's a
little cottage in Maggie Valley that couldn't be any more perfect from
what I need for my first place. It's only 500 a month including
utilities but I don't have to pay for water, and a few other
things. There is already a washer/dryer, fridge, microwave, and
oven there. It's small but cozy. Both of the bedrooms are
pretty big, and each has it's OWN bathroom. So I wouldn't have to
share a bathroom with my roomie! That's pretty sweet. Except the
washer and dryer is in my bathroom, but I don't mind. My bathroom
is a lot bigger. I thought I had 3 possible room mates but now
its pretty much down to one, Demi. I'm hoping and praying to god
she can do it! If not I don't know what I will do, and I will
probably lose the offer. Because I can't afford it on my own yet.
And I really need this. So please pray for that!
Also, I have been having a hard time lately because my mentor and one
of my best friends Maureen is going through a crisis. She has
always been the woman hugging me and giving me bible verses and putting
a smile on my face when I was having a hard time. She is the most
god-loving woman I know, and I have never seen her sad, until now...
and it's tearing me apart. She has two adopted sons and all her
married life she has wanted a little girl. Back in January they
found a little girl named Kristie, who not only was perfect for
Maureen, you would never tell she wasn't her birth child. They
looked the same, and her last name was already Maureen's. It was
crazy, how meant to be it seemed. Plus, I know if any child
wanted the perfect adopted parents it would be Mo and Bill. I have
never met a couple that are so good at being parents. So since
January Kristie has been practically living with them, and going
through the adoption process and everything and growing to love Mo,
Bill, Ian, and Jacob as her true family. Until a week ago when Mo
got devastating news from Kristie's grandmother that she wanted to
revoke the adoption. It's complicated as to why, but still.
It didn't seem real. I thought they had worked things out until
Mo's sister Katie told me that two nights ago Kristie's grandmother had
come and gotten her forever. It was done. I know this is
the last thing Mo ever deserved and I really don't think I have ever
been so sad for someone I love so much. I cried so long, just
because I just know this is one of the worst pains Mo, and her family
have ever gone through. And it hurts me that she is going through
this. I made her a cute card yesterday and stuff though and
mailed it to her so hopefully that will make some sort of
difference.
But besides that things are going pretty well. Getting better
every day with this single thing, especially since everything is
winding down to the bottom lines, college, work, and moving out.
I probably don't even have time for a boyfriend at all. So this
is meant to be right now and that's okay with me. My health is
good so far, I go to a bunch of appointments next week to follow up on
all the crap that has been going on lately. So pray for that too!
Well, gotta go put clothes away. And go to sleep!
=]
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